Act 2 – Scene 3 – The Widow Twankey’s Laundrette
The Widow Twankey sits on the floor as if just after waking up after fainting. Wishy and Washy fan her.
Widow So what you are telling me is Aladdin, OUR Aladdin is stinking rich now?
Widow faints again.
They pull her up to her feet.
Widow Get off me. A Genie came out of a lamp and granted him some wishes?
Wishy Yes Mammy.
Washy And a Barbie came out of Bish Bosh’s ring.
Wishy All that matters now Mammy is that Aladdin is a Prince and he is gone to claim the hand of his fair bride.
Washy The princess.
Widow What is this a fairy story?
Wishy Well yes.
Widow Oh ye. Oh girls do you know what this means? We will be rich, I’ll never have to marry again. Oh I’ve had some bad ones, your father used to come into me and say “ Get your coat I’m going out” I’d say “am I coming too?” “No” he’d say “but I’m turning off the heating”.
Waaaaaa oh how I’ve struggled.
Another time he rang me and said “I’ve won the lotto pack a bag”, I said “Where are we going?” he said “I don’t care, just be gone when I get home.”
Ah lads, the script writer is really getting into saving the planet, he’s even recycling the jokes!
Any way poooooor meeeee…..wwwwwwwaaaaaaaaa Oh what a life I’ve had. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!
Washy It’s ok Mammy, it’s all ok now.
Wishy Yeah cause we are rich.
Widow Oh sweet mother Mary I’ll finally be able to go into Diana Donnelly’s. Where is my beautiful son Aladdin now?
Washy Still in the palace, woooooooing the Princess.
Widow Well let’s get up there! Wait till the Sultan hears that I’m stinking.
Washy Everyone knows you’re stinking Mammy.
Widow Watch it you. Let’s go.
Enter Boris and Bruno
Bruno Well well well, where are you lot off to?
Widow Out of the way meat head, we are off to take our place as royalty in the palace.
Boris No one’s going anywhere till we ask you a few little questions.
Widow What is this, “The Chase”? Get out of me road.
Washy We ain’t telling yous nothing!
Bruno (Drawing his sword) Oh really?
Wishy Now it’s the chase.
W& W & W Aggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
They are chased around the laundrette.
Musical Cue – Chase Music
The girls are cornered and the Widow is tied to a chair.
Widow Ohhhh no, what are you going to do? Have your evil way with me?
Boris Dear God no.
Widow Are you sure now?
Boris Listen we just want some answers.
W&W We know nothing.
Widow That certainly is true.
Bruno Where is The Mystical Lamp of Salsibar?
W&W We know nothing.
Widow You looking for a lamp? Have you tried TK Maxx?
Boris Enough messing around, things are about to get ugly.
Widow Be hard to get uglier than you san.
Boris WHERE IS THE LAMP!
Widow I DON’T KNOW!
Boris Right Bruno you know what to do.
He catches Wishy and Washy and takes them towards the Washing Machine.
Washy Ohhhh Mammy!
Bruno It’s time you two got a little wash.
Wishy But we had a bath at Christmas.
Bruno Get in there.
He fires them inside the washing machine.
Widow Don’t break me spin cycle it’s on the never never.
Wishy Mammy help!
Widow Oh me poor girls.
Boris Now put it on the hottest wash!
Widow NO! Me electricity bill.
Washy Never mind the electricity bill, what about the stinking water in this town.
Bruno slams the door.
Wishy Oh Mammy it’s dark in here.
Boris Where is the Lamp of Salsibar?
Widow I DON’T KNOW!
Boris Alrite Bruno, turn it on.
Bruno turns it on and the sounds of a washing machine in full flight is accompanied by the screams and giggles of the girls.
Wishy AHHHHH! Oh weeeee, wait this is fun.
Washy Wa hay, head over heels we go. Yay!
Wishy Waaaa ha ha ha .
Boris Bleedin hell they’re enjoying it! Turn it off!
Widow Ha ha, stupid kids.
Bruno opens the Washing machine.
Bruno Get out here you two!
He reaches in and lifts out a very small Wishy and a very small Washy. (Children in same costumes)
Widow Ah look it! I told you not to use the hot wash!
Washy looks at Wishy and Wishy looks at Washy.
They exit screaming.
Boris Now what we going to do?
Bruno Eh I don’t know.
Enter Bish Bosh & So Shy
So Shy I bleedin knew it was you Bish Bosh babe. I’d recognise your noggin anywhere.
Bish Bosh Ah thanks babe, bit of bish, bit of bosh, A yeah I was putting on me whole James Bond secret agent routine. Speaking of James Bond, com’er why is Daniel Craig going grey?
So Shy I don’t know?
Bish Bosh Because he has – no time to dye!
So Shy Haaa haaaaa you’re mega funny babe.
Bish Bosh Ahh thanks babe, sure ya know I think you’re a smashing budgie. I says to Al I says, com’er when we get back I’m going bleedin wear the face off of that one.
So Shy Well what are you waiting for babe?
Boris Bish Bosh!
Bish Bosh Boris, Bruno. (Does a double take)
Bruno Hello Bish Bosh fancy seeing you here.
Bish Bosh Just give me one minute till I snog me bird and I’ll be with ya.
Bruno (Grabbing him) Come here you!
So Shy Here! Leave it out or I’ll slap the puss off ya.
Boris (Holds up his sword) Quiet You.
So Shy Look out Bish Bosh he’s packing a blade.
Widow This is like Love Hate or that wannabe Love Hate programme Kin.
Boris Where is the Lamp Bish Bosh?
Bish Bosh I ain’t saying nothing copper!
Bruno Oh you’ll talk alright.
Boris Put him in the mangle.
So Shy Noooo don’t do it, noooo not the mangle, wait what’s a mangle?
Widow I’ve been mangled a few times. That yolk there, it’s for flattening the sheets.
So Shy Ohhhh
They lift him up and put his feet in the mangle.
Boris Now Bish Bosh where is the lamp?
Bish Bosh I’ll never talk!
Widow Huh I wish.
He winds the mangle and Bish Bosh is sucked in.
So Shy Babe!
Bish Bosh Bleedin hell!
They wind it back and a cori-board cut out of Bish Bosh comes back out.
So Shy runs and grabs it.
So Shy Bish Bosh love? Talk to me?
Bish Bosh (From of stage) Mmmmm maaa maamaam.
So Shy What did he say?
Widow He said Mmmmm maaa maamaam.
Bruno He he he, this is fun.
Boris Her next.
So Shy Touch me and I’ll bleedin burst ya!
Aladdin Mum! What’s going on?
Widow About time you swung in to the rescue, some hero.
Aladdin Alright you two let them go. Where is Bish Bosh?
So Shy (She holds up Cori-board Bish Bosh) Here he is.
Bish Bosh (From off stage) Allllrittttee.
Aladdin You two have gone too far, let my mother free right now.
Boris Says who?
Aladdin Prince Ali of Ababwa.
Widow They’re not after reopening that kip are they?
Enter Abanazar and Abdul, Abanazar applauds.
Abanazar Well well well, isn’t the street rat a great performer.
Abanazar Oh yes you know me Prince Ali and I know you ALADDIN!
Aladdin Listen we don’t want any trouble.
Abanazar Then give me my lamp?
Aladdin What lamp?
Abanazar Don’t play the fool with me boy. My patience is wearing thin.
He sweeps across stage and grabs a sword from Bruno. He approaches the widow with the
Abanazar I’ll ask you one last time? Give me The Mystical Lamp of Salsibar.
Widow Ah lookit!
Aladdin Ok wait, don’t be hasty, here take it.
Abdul grabs the lamp from Aladdin and runs to Abanazar. Aladdin and So Shy free the
Abdul The Mystical Lamp of Salsibar is finally yours master.
Abanazar Ahhhhhhhh haaaaa haaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaa! At last, at last it is mine, my search is over, ultimate power in my hands. (He rubs the lamp) Come forth ohhh all powerful one.
The Genie Appears in a flash of light.
Omar Hey Al or should I say Prince Ali how’s the romancing going? Woo I think I took a wrong turn at Albuquerque!
Abanazar Now Genie you obey me.
Omar Jezz every five hundred years one of these guys comes along.
Abanazar Genie bring all these vermin together, now!
Omar Ok Ok, Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo.
There is a flash and Wishy and Washy and Bish bosh arrive back on stage as normal.
So Shy You alright babe?
Bish Bosh Yeah I’ve lost me stiffness.
So Shy Ah that’s a shame.
Widow Me girls.
Abdul What are you going to do with them master?
Abanazar A good question Abdul my disgusting little friend.
Abdul Thank you master.
Abanazar Soon I will return to the palace where I will rule with an iron fist and Jasmine, well pretty little Jasmine? She will be my wife.
Aladdin NEVER! She would never marry you!
Abanazar She will if she wants to see her father live!
Widow Oh ya brute.
Abanazar And as for the Widow Twankey and her goodie two shoes son Aladdin and all his annoying little friends, well they won’t bother me anymore. Ask me why Abdul.
Abdul Why Abdul?
Abanazar No ask me!
Abdul Oh sorry. Why Abdul master?
Abanazar God you’re a worse evil sidekick than Leo Varadkar. Ask me why these cretins won’t bother me anymore!
Abdul Why won’t they bother me anymore?
Abanazar I’m glad you asked Abdul, because Aladdin and his friends are all getting a one way flight to the deepest darkest place in the world, thanks to my friend the Genie.
Abanazar Yes! Genie for my first wish I wish to banish Aladdin and all his friends to the vast, dark and lonely wilderness of Antarctica. Haaaa haaa haaaaaaaaaa!
Bish Bosh Bleedin hell!
Omar I’m so sorry Al, but….. Your wish is my command master!
Abanazar Ahhhhhaaaaaa, haaaaaaaaaaa.
Musical Number – Be Prepared
During the number they all vanish leaving Abanazar, Abdul Boris and Bruno to celebrate.
End of Scene 3.