Act 1

Scene 1 (A) – Front Gauze

As the overture comes to a climax with magical music the curtain slowly opens to reveal the Gauze is in, and on it is projected a large old book with the title “The Adventures of Robin Hood” on it. 

The stage is bare. When suddenly a voice is heard approaching from the back of the auditorium. It is Barny the Bear. He carries sweets and drinks and a programme, and he is looking for his best friend Blossom the Fairy.

Barny Excuse me, sorry. Ehhhh Blossom? Blossom where are you? Sorry, excuse me, sorry. Blllllllooooosssssoooom. Hello people, have you seen Blossom, she’s about yea high, with lots of glitter, she loves glitter. Oh and she’s got wings, but she doesn’t work for Ryanair so she’s not on strike. Hello other people have you seen Blossom? She’s a Fairy. No really she is, with wings and all.  

Blossom comes out on stage.

Blossom Barrrrnnyyy, what are you doing down there?

Barny What am I doing down here! What are you doing up there!?! You said we were going to the Panto, I was trying to find our seats.

Blossom No you silly old bear, I said we were in the Panto!

Barny What! In the Panto! Well that’s a squirrel of a different colour, what am I doing down here?

Blossom Get up here you big hair ball you.

Barny Ok Blossom I’m a coming. See you later kids, here have some sweets. Ha ha I’m in the Panto. I’ve always wanted to be in the Panto but that Barry Wadding and Mick Farrell always get the best parts. 

He gets up on stage.

Ah me public. To be or not to be! That’s a very good question. So what’s the Panto? Goldilocks and the one split personality bear.

Blossom No Barny, its Robin Hood.

Barny What? There’s no bear or fairy in Robin Hood.

Blossom There is in the Wexford version.

Barny I’m confused.

Blossom It won’t be the last time tonight. Look Barny where is Robin Hood set?

Barny Here.

Blossom Exactly

Barny In the Dun Mhuire.

Blossom Remember we talked about using your imagination.

Barny Got you, reality verses imagination.

Blossom Everyone knows Robin Hood is set in Sherwood Forest and you always find Fairies and Bears in forests and woods don’t you?

Barny Does a bear…..

Blossom Shush!

Barny …..in the woods?!

Blossom Soooo as part of Panto magic we are your friends the Panto Fairy and her best friend the Panto furry creature.

Barny Cuddly toy!

Blossom Bear, and so boys and girls, young and old, it is our job to welcome you to our Panto, Robin Hood.

Barny WELCOME! 

Blossom We will be with you every step of the journey and will guide you along so you don’t get lost.

Barny Oh ya! I know the story of Robin Hood like I know the back of my hand. (Looks at his hand) Oh that’s new.  

Blossom So let’s begin, it’s only been two pages and it has already been a long night.

Barny You’re telling me.

Pointing to the big book that opens and reveals the first page she reads – 

Blossom “Once upon a time in jolly old England, there was a King named Richard the Lion Heart”

A picture of King Richard appears

Barny Hold on his second name was “The Lion Heart”?

Blossom That’s what the book says. 

Barny Ok.

Blossom Are you going to help me tell this story or not?

Barny Sure ya, well King Richard the Lion Heart or Mr the Lion Heart as he liked to be called was away on a cruise.

Blossom Crusade. 

Barny Cruise, crusade, they’re all the same. And in his absence his little brother Prince John was holding the throne.

Picture of Prince John

Blossom Which wasn’t great because John was a big baby head. He had the intelligence and maturity of a five year old.

Barny Imagine a person like that ruling a country “Insert political joke here”

Blossom Prince John didn’t have a clue and was manipulated and guided by his Mother and The Evil Sheriff of Nottingham.

Picture of the Sheriff and Mumsie

Barny Boooooooo, a nasty pair those two.

Blossom They tormented the people of England with horrid laws and unfair taxes that made them sad.

Barny Even sadder than when they got knocked out at the semi-final stage of the World Cup.

Blossom But luckily the people of Nottingham had a saviour, a hero to save the day and that hero was….

Barny BATMAN! 

Blossom Robin Hood.

Picture of Robin Hood 

Barny Batman and Robin…Hood. Yeah that guy. Together with his Merry Men such as Little John, Will Scarlet and young Alan of Ferndale they protected the people, fighting the evil Sheriff and his cronies and bailing people out when they are in financial difficulty – a bit like a medieval Credit Union.

Picture of the Merry Men

Blossom Robin and his gang rob from the rich and give to the poor. The opposite of Fine Fail lead governments. But unfortunately Robin Hood’s girlfriend, the fair Maid Marian, is a ward of Prince John and so must live in the palace with all the baddies.

Picture of Maid Marian

Barny That’s another reason Robin and the Sheriff are arch enemies as Robin will not give up till he has Maid Marian for his wife. The soppy git.

Blossom Well boys and girls, that’s the story as we begin it. Come with us now as we travel to England many years ago and follow Robin Hood and his merry band of men on a magical adventure.

Barny It’s PANTO TIME!

Blossom / Barny It’s ROBIN HOOD!

End of Scene 1 (A)

Act 1 – Scene 1 (B) – Outside the Castle Walls

Centre is the entrance to the Royal Palace with a large portcullis lowered in that can be risen for people to enter from the palace. This whole centre piece of the castle could be on a rotator so that the other side could be used for scenes in the palace.

Musical Number – The Greatest Show

Everyone is involved in the opening number as we introduce all the characters in the dance. After the dance is finished everyone exits except the villagers, Friar Tuck and Niamh and Nuala.

Niamh and Nuala step forward, they are two Bean (bad Tom!) Gardaí, they address the crowd.

Niamh Move along now.

Nuala Nothing to see here.

Niamh Move it on now.

Nuala Nothing to see here.

Niamh And there is about ten of ye after parking your asses on double yellow lines up there, and if you don’t shift’em Nuala’ll ticket ya.

Nuala I will yeah. No better woman Niamh.

Niamh That’s right Nuala. She’s not long out of Templemore and mad for action.

Friar Tuck Well, you two will get plenty of action doing the diabolical work of that Evil Sheriff.

Nuala Listen Friar Tuck, if that is your real name.

Friar Tuck It is.

Niamh Sorry about that.

Nuala Listen Friar Tuck, we didn’t put the Sheriff in charge but he’s the new Commissioner and he’s as honest and fair as any that have gone before him.

Friar Tuck Well that is true.

Niamh Speaking of which, I think the boss is on the way.

Nuala Oh that’s right, we were meant to introduce him. Listen up there now you lot. 

Niamh Give us a warm Nottingham welcome for the man with the plan.

Nuala The ruler who likes to give you a grueller.

Niamh The man, the legend, the sheriff of Nottingham.

Villagers Moan!

Niamh Tough crowd.

The portcullis opens and the sheriff swaggers in. 

Musical Cue – Dancing Queen 

As he comes in he does a lovely impersonation of Teresa May’s dance moves.

Sheriff Bonjourno Peasants and plebs. It’s me the Sheriff shaa-wing.

Villagers Moan!

Niamh Be gawd he knows how to work that crowd.

Sheriff Yes I know how much you adore me, but I’m not here on pleasure. I’m here on business. What was all that singing about a while ago?

Friar Tuck What, you mean the Panto opening?

Sheriff Well well well 

Friar Tuck Very well thanks for asking.

Sheriff If it isn’t Friar Tuck.

Friar Tuck No it is Friar Tuck.

Sheriff Yes I mean the Panto opening- if that’s what you would call that offence to music that was flung out in the name of entertainment on this stage a few minutes ago.

Friar Tuck Well I thought it was good. What about you folks? (To Villagers etc.)

Villagers Yes, very good, marvellous, well done.

Sheriff Well I’m glad you all enjoyed it.

Villagers Why thank you, cheers, much obliged

Sheriff No no that was sarcasm you plebs. 

Nuala Sorry what’s sarcasm?

Sheriff I’m really not glad they enjoyed, it makes me angry.

Friar Tuck Oh you’re angry, we’re soooooo sooooooo sorry.

Niamh Now that’s sarcasm.

Sheriff Well that song is going to cost you all. Nuala!

Nuala Sheriff!

Sheriff Read the new law.

Nuala (Pulling out a scroll and reading it) It is illegal to sing Kylie songs while riding your bike dressed up as a nun in a pedestrian area.

Sheriff What?

Niamh The other side Nuala.

Nuala Oh sorry. Right be gawd here we have it. Prince John ruler of all Engerland hereby places a tax on all public singing and dancing. Those who can’t pay shall be thrown into prison.

Friar Tuck What the? I say that is ridiculous! I mean taxing musical numbers, the Light Opera will be bankrupt.

Niamh Ah in fairness now boss tis a bit much no? I mean what about that guy who sits on the main street “Who’s your favourite singer” you know that guy, he’ll be out of business.

Nuala Taxing musical numbers is ridiculous, what next? Taxing people’s homes or water!?

Everyone stops and looks at the audience.

Sheriff I am the Sheriff and if I say we are taxing musical numbers then we jolly well are, now I want 50 cent from each and every one of you. 

Friar Tuck You rotten old swine. If King Richard the Lionheart was here he’d soon put a stop to your shenanigans.  

Villagers Gasp!

Sheriff You crazy old cleric, you know it is illegal to mention the absent King. Guards.. seize him!

Nuala and Niamh grab Friar Tuck

Nuala Take her handy now Father.

Friar Tuck It’s Friar, Friar Tuck.

Niamh No need for that language.

Sheriff Friar Tuck has broken the law of the land and he will be incarcerated for it.

Nuala That sounds painful.

Sheriff Let that be a lesson to you all. No one messes with the Sheriff of Nottingham, no one!

Enter Robin Hood

Robin No one that is, except Robin Hood. Tally Ho Villagers.

Villagers Tally Ho Robin Hood

Enter Barny pointing at Robin Hood

Barny It’s Robin Hood

Exit Barny

Robin (To audience) Tally Ho Kids.

Audience Respond

Robin Tally Ho Nottingham.

Sheriff Go to hell Robin Hood! Guards seize him! 

Robin Merry Men!

Merry Men enter.

Little John Merry men, here to protect the good, and defend the innocent, it’s what we do.

Will We also do a deadly line in second hand Rolexes and quality leather wallets, bud.

Alan And we shift your girlfriends every Friday in the Stores lads.

Nuala Here now boss, we would want to get the riot gear on before engaging with this lot.

Sheriff I’m the head of law for the whole bloody country and look what I have to work with.

Niamh The rest of the force are off with blue flu.

Sheriff Only in Ireland.

Robin We are in England.

Sheriff And you are in trouble.

He pulls his sword out and his pants fall down.

Villagers Yeah! Swit swoooo, nice legs.

Sheriff I don’t bloody believe this! Come on you two nitwits back to the palace before we’re humiliated. 

Robin Bit late for that I think. 

Sheriff You may have won this round Robin of Locksley.

Little John I think that’s four rounds he’s won.

Friar Tuck Which would appear to be game, set and match.

Sheriff No no there will be more rounds.

Alan Plenty more rounds skin, in Heffernan’s, at half time.

Sheriff Enjoy this one Locksley but you haven’t heard the last of me, let’s go girls.

They turn to go but the portcullis doesn’t open. 

Sheriff Sigh! Can someone please open the bloody gate?!? Sigh! OPEN THE BLOODY GATE! 

The gate slowly rises.

Sheriff I hate you all.

Exit.

Exit Niamh and Nuala.

Robin Well looks like I’ve sorted that rotter once again, don’t thank me I’m Robin Hood it’s what I do. Well done boys. You landed in just in the nick of time. Little John, you are my rock.

Little John Upholding the law is my duty Robin.

Robin And you’re damn good at it my man. And Will “Scarlet” you always have my back. 

Will No worries bud, I’d bleedin’ kill’em! 

Robin And young Alan of Ferndale my hurl-wielding yellow-belly with no fear.

Alan No bother brother, lucky I didn’t get started on them.  I’d have hitten them so many pucks they’d have been begging for a kick.  Issss straight in the forehead, ask questions afterwards.

Robin Ah we are a random mismatch of misfits and mischief makers.

Will Say that three times fast.

Friar Tuck The villagers thank you, and your Merry Men, Robin for saving us from another of Prince John’s ridiculous taxes.

Robin Come now Tuck, we all know Prince John doesn’t run this kingdom. We are all aware that his Mother, that wittered old hag, and that evil Sheriff are running the show.

Friar Tuck To be fair, Prince John cares for little only sweets and toys. 

Little John To think of that fool of an overgrown child holding the throne is enough to make a grown man weep. Not me though, I’m tough.

Alan Some sickener all right lads.

Robin And to think, my fair lady Marian is among that motley crew, for as a ward of Prince John she must live under his watch until she is wed and he or Good King Richard must decide the man she weds. Oh how I love her.

Will Ah she’s a top bird alright.

Robin And I love her with all my heart. If only she were here so I could show her.

Enter Blossom

Blossom Enter Maid Marian and her handmaid Maid Mavis.

Enter Marian and Mavis.

Marian Hello Robin

Blossom Don’t you just love Panto?

Exit Blossom

Mavis How’s the boys. Looking quere fine in them tights lads. Man I love a man in tights.

Robin Oh Marian

Marian Oh Robin

Mavis Oh Johnnie

Little John Oh no!

Mavis Oh Alan

Alan Eh you’re alright thanks Hun.

Mavis Oh Willy

Will Oh fffffTuck! How are you, Friar Tuck me auld son?!

Robin Oh Marian, you don’t know how happy I am to see you. 

Marian And I you Robin. I had to come, I heard the Sheriff was going to impose another ridiculous tax on the poor peasants. And I said “Sod that I’m not letting him away with that!”, so I came out to give him a sound kicking. 

Robin Don’t you worry your pretty little eyelashes about it my precious, for I have thwarted the evil Sheriff once again. No need to thank me, I’m Robin Hood it’s what I do.

Marian What! Oh Robin I was really looking forward to kicking his butt. I’ve been training, I’m bench pressing 400 kilos.

Robin Do not fear my dear… sorry how much did you said you were bench pressing?… never mind I have saved the day my love and I did it for you and someday I will have your hand fair Marian.

Marian Rob don’t start the mushy stuff in front of the lads.

Robin Well per chance my fair maiden may allow her man a peck on the cheek?

Marian Oh alright.

She grabs him and snogs him long and hard.

Mavis Go girl. Who’s for a game of truth or dare?

Alan Go on the Robin boy, lobbing the tongue on her.

Marian Now I must get back. Prince John thinks we are playing a game of hide and seek.

Voice Off

Prince John 1,996, 1,997, 1,998, 1,999…2,000. Ready or not here I come.

Marian Come on Maid Mavis.

Mavis See you later Johnny. (Pinching his bum)

Little John Lord have mercy.

Robin Good bye my love, I shall hold you in my heart till we meet again.

Exit Marian and Mavis

Friar Tuck Well Tuck me, what a woman.

Robin You can say that again Friar but this time maybe without the profanity.

Friar Tuck Well Robin, the people of Nottingham thank you my friend for saving us once more.

Robin Ha! Don’t worry about it, I’m Robin Hood it’s what I do!

Musical Number – Your Welcome.

End of Scene 1 (B)