Scene 2 – The edge of the Wood
There is a large arch of bushes and briars centre stage with some broken down walls on either side. This is the entrance to the Woods, a warning sign hangs alongside it reading “The Woods – Do not enter” and downstage there is a signpost with two signs on it, one pointing to the woods saying “The Woods (Bad)” and one pointing into stage right reading “The Town (Good)” – Lights up on Horace centre stage
Musical Number – Bills (Dialogue in intro.)
Horace Hi everyone, I’m Horace.
Horace And this is my sister Heidi.
Heidi Heidi hi kids!
Horace Heidi hi!
Enter The Widow Gillhollie
Horace Uh oh that’s my Mum and it sounds like she’s angry.
Heidi As usual.
Musical Number – Bills
Widow Boom! Now that’s a good musical number. About time too. I’d say yas are all bored stiff are ye? It’s alright I’m here now it is going be a laugh a minute from here on out, like the monthly meeting of the county council.
Now I’m known around these parts as The Widow Gillhollie. I’m Horace’s excessively attractive and completely undervalued Mother and it is my job to beat the ears off Horace and keep him in line. So have any of you seen him?
Horace and Heidi are hiding behind the bushes and stick their heads out leading the audience to sell them out.
What, what are ye saying, are you speaking Swahili or what? Behind? What about my behind? Keep your eyes off my behind. Oh behind me!
She looks around and they hide.
There is no one there, yas are trying to trick a poor defenceless old woman, and if ye do it again I’ll beat the ears off each and every one of yas!
Horace sticks his head out again and the crowd react. As the Widow turns Heidi pushes Horace out and the Dame grabs him by the ear and drags him down stage.
Widow Well well well if it isn’t hopeless Horace or as I like to call him doctor do little! What are you doing hanging around the Woods?
Horace I’m a huntsman, the woods is where I’m meant to be. Hunting for things, in the woods.
Widow Suit you better to be out job hunting for a real job. You’re the only vegan huntsman I’ve ever met. You wouldn’t harm a flea.
Horace That has hampered me in my work alright.
Heidi Silly Horace, a huntsman who doesn’t like killing is as much use as a road sweeper who’s allergic to dust.
Horace I like to think of myself as a Bear Grills type explorer, seeking out new life forms in the woods.
Heidi What do you think this is, Star Trek?
Widow “To boldly go where no Gob da has gone before” You should get a dog to help you with the hunting, just don’t get a Labrador, have you seen how many of their owners go blind?
Heidi Oh I wuv doggie woggies, Mummsie used to take me to all the dog shows.
Horace And you never won!
Horace Seriously though guys I feel there is a market for leading groups into the woods on nature trails and the like.
Widow Ooooohhh la de da! Pretty little nature walks in the woods, how quaint! We can all pick flowers and sing pretty songs.
Heidi Can we Mummy?
She whacks him
Point number one, that sounds about as interesting as a poetry night and point two, what person in their right mind will want to go on a nature walk in the darkest scariest woods in the land.
Heidi Ya Horace those woods are even more scarier than the ghost train in Tramore.
Horace Come on you guys what’s there to fear in the woods really?
Heidi Well for one thing there is The Big Bad Wolf.
Horace Ok well apart from The Big Bad Wolf, what is there to fear?
Heidi And the scary Witch that eats little children like me!
Horace Ok well apart from The Big Bad Wolf and the child eating Witch, what is there to fear?
Widow And the bands of Water charge protesters that will trap you in your car for hours!
Widow Well that’s what we are dealing with and only a fool would head into them Woods so you may grow a spine and start doing some hunting or we are going to starve. Have a think about that Horace!
Heidi Ya hopeless Horace! (She blows a raspberry in his face).
Widow Good one.
Horace I don’t want to be a hunter, I want to be an explorer, an adventurer, a hero. Maybe I being stupid, I mean despite it all Mum needs my help, we have no money and she has to look after poor little Heidi too. Oh I never thought life would be this hard.
Musical Number – Who I’d be
After the Musical number Horace exits as Little Red Riding Hood’s Mother enters
Mother RED! Will you get off that phone and come on! I got things to do. Like packing for my holidays.
Red enters head down, on her phone.
Red Whatever Mum! Like I am way too busy for this.
Mother Red I have asked you to do one thing, if you could just get your head out of your phone for one minute so I can explain.
Red I know Mum, bring the basket to Granny, give her the food, come home and don’t stray from the path.
Mother Yes, and don’t talk to any strangers or Wolfs etc.
Red Got ya.
Mother And when you come home I’ll be waiting. (To audience) I won’t really because I have just met a hunk on line and we’re eloping! Happy days. No kids, no Grannies, just me Carlos and sun, sea, sand and sssssssangria. So I’m a bad Mother, so sue me! So long Red.
Red Ya sure, like bye. Now Google Maps says to follow this path. Quick selfie tweet before I go. On my way to Granny’s house at hash tag boring!
She heads into the Woods as Cedrick enters followed by Snow White.
Snow White Oh Cedrick, this is the best day ever! Look at the flowers, look at the trees, look at the sky.
Cedrick Look at the base guitarist, how are you handsome, call me sometime. Hot and single.
Snow White Oh my, just to feel the sun on my face and breathe in that beautiful Dun Mhuire air.
Cedrick You don’t get out much hunny do you?
Snow White I haven’t left my tower since my father died nearly ten years ago. My stepmother the Queen said the world is a dark place but I can’t believe that now.
Cedrick Let’s face it hunny your Mother has that whole Goth thing going on, everything is dark in her world. But I’m sure she was only doing it to protect you yada yada yada.
Snow White It doesn’t matter now I’m out in this big beautiful world. I feel like singing.
Cedrick Not now sweetie, what do you think this is a Disney film? We gots to keep moving.
Snow White Where are we going anyway?
Cedrick Well as soon as I unload you I’m off to Specsavers, going to get me some new frames.
Snow White Is Spec Savers the best for value and choice?
Cedrick Like hellllooo! Course they are girl, where have you been living in a tower for the past ten years or something.
Snow White And what are you going to do after that? Head to McCauley’s for their fantastic range of products at unbeatable prices or maybe to The Riverbank House Hotel for the best food in Wexford?
Cedrick Girl you’re a marketing man’s dream date. Now come on I got to get rid of you first sweetie, then its shopping time.
Snow White Get rid of me? Where am I going?
Cedrick Ehhh? Well ehhh?
Enter Heidi on a space hopper
Cedrick Oh look it’s a “beautiful” “little “girl”. Hello love are you lost?
Heidi No I’m here, you silly billy.
Cedrick Charming child. Could you help me darling?
Heidi The girl guides taught me to never talk to strangers and you are pretty strange.
Cedrick Charming as a bowel condition.
Heidi You’re silly. Bye!
She skips off, he goes after her, catches her by the Pig tails.
Cedrick Listen Heidi!
Heidi That’s my name! You know my name so now we are not strangers! We can be bestest friends. (She hugs him) I Wuv you!
Cedrick Oh dear God it’s touching me. Get it off, get it offffffff!
Snow White Calm down Cedrick. Hello Heidi I’ m Snow White.
Heidi Ohhhhh you’re pretty. How can I help you?
Snow White I think my friend Cedrick…
Heidi Haaaa haaaa haa Cedrick!
Snow White I think he would like to ask you something.
Heidi Helllllloooo Cedrick! Haaa haaaa.
Cedrick (To audience) Never work with animals or children and I think she is a cross between both. Little girl?
Heidi Heidi Hi!
Heidi Silly, when I say Heidi Hi you have to say it too.
Cedrick Oh for go…
Heidi Heidi Hi!
Cedrick Yes Heidi Hi, ok now Heidi
Heidi Yes Cedrick.
Cedrick I am looking for a huntsman named Horace.
Heidi Oh is it hide and seek? Can I play too pleeeeeease, can I?
Heidi Agh why not, let me play or I’ll hold my breath till I turn blue.
Cedrick But it’s not hide and seek. Do you know any Horaces?
Heidi No Mammy won’t let me have a horse.
Cedrick Not a horse a Horace! Do you know anyone named Horace?
Heidi You’re silly! Of course I know Horace he’s my brother.
Horace enters from the opposite side and Cedrick can’t see him.
Cedrick Fabulous! Now where is he?
Heidi He’s behind you!
Cedrick Don’t start that old panto rubbish with me, just lead me to your brother little girl.
She leads Cedrick off stage and around the back so that the next time they enter they come in the same wing that Horace has just come in.
Snow White Hello.
Snow White I’m Snow White.
Horace Wow what a beautiful name.
Snow White Thank you. I’m sure your name is pretty too.
Horace It’s Horace.
Snow White That’s nice.
Enter Heidi and Cedrick.
Heidi Ta da!
Cedrick Why did you? Why did we just, I mean I went all the way around? Never mind! Are you Horace the Huntsman?
Horace Ah yep that’s me.
Cedrick Faboo right, over here now. (Takes him down stage leaving Heidi and Snow White upstage)
Cedrick You’re Horace?
Horace Last time I checked, ha.
Cedrick (Sarcastic laugh) Ha. You’re a huntsman, are you not?
Horace I am. Is this a test, how am I doing??
Cedrick Super sweetie this is your lucky day. I have been sent by her Maj the Queen to hire a new Royal Huntsman and I’d like to offer you the role.
Horace Are you offering me a job? Because you’re not going to believe this I was actually looking for a job.
Cedrick Shock horror! Now I want to put you to work immediately.
Horace Wow official Huntsman to the Queen. One little problem though. I don’t like killing animals.
Horace Ya I’m more of a naturalist. If the Queen would like to go on a nature walk I’m your man.
Cedrick Listen you stupid boy…I mean Horace, my friend, sweetie, darling, this is a once in a life time opportunity. This is as well paid a job as Mayor.
Horace Do I get fancy chains, to go to lots of parties and get into see shows for free?
Cedrick Ya this is the first year George Lawlor actually bought a ticket to see the panto. Look to be honest there is only one job the Queen needs doing and if you do it you will be rewarded with enough money to last you and your family for life.
Horace Wow we really do need the money, I suppose I could kill one thing, if it was going to save my family.
Cedrick Now you’re talking hunny.
Horace Ok I’ll do it, what do you want killed?
Cedrick It’s more of a who, than a what Horace hunny.
Horace A who? Who? Who?
Cedrick What are you an owl? Ok, now don’t over react and keep thinking of the money, I need you to kill………. Snow White.
Horace Kill Snow White!
Snow White Yes.
Cedrick Nothing, go back to your games.
Horace What! Are you off your head? You got the wrong man buddy, this is panto not Love Hate.
Cedrick (Nidge impression) “I need you to take care of a little job for me Frano”.
Horace This is crazy, you’re a nut, and there is no force on earth that could convince me to kill that girl. Goodbye.
Horace goes to walk out the front wing but walks straight into The Widow who backs him back onto stage.
Widow Money. Someone is talking about money. What’s the deal?
Horace You won’t believe this Mum, this nutter works for the Queen and apparently the Queen wants me to kill Snow White!
Snow White Yes.
Cedrick &Horace Nothing.
Widow Kill Snow White! What is this open day at the funny farm?
Cedrick There’s one thousand gold sovereigns for you when the girl is dead.
Widow Consider it done.
Widow Horace, I’m not a violent woman but it’s like this son, we are broke, the parlour is bare, there is nothing left. I’ll have to do what your man down the road did, you know your man Hansel and Gretel’s Da.
Horace I know him, what about him?
Widow Took the two children deep into the woods and left them there.
Widow Yes, just couldn’t afford to keep them anymore and I’m afraid son that’s where we are at too.
Cedrick Not beautiful little Heidi.
Widow I’m afraid so, if we don’t get some money soon I’m going to have to take her for “a little walk in the woods” if you know what I mean.
Cedrick Oh what a terrible situation.
Horace Are you serious Mum?
Widow I’m afraid so son. If only we had some money.
Cedrick Horace, can you stand by and watch your Mother’s heart break?
Horace No but….
Cedrick Can you bear to lose your little sister for ever?
Horace No well maybe….
Cedrick Then this is your chance, take the job love, save your family, be the hero you dreamed you could be.
Widow Be our hero son.
Horace If there really isn’t any other way….
Widow & Cedrick There’s not!
Horace Alright, I’ll do it, I’ll kill Snow White!
Snow White Yes?
Cedrick, Horace & Widow Nothing!
Cedrick Thattaboy! You know it makes sense. As soon as she’s dead I’ll be back and you will be heavily rewarded. Now Snow White sweetie, this is Horace, he’s a naturalist.
Heidi Does that mean he goes around in the nip all the time?
Cedrick No that’s a naturist, he’s a naturalist and he’s going to take you for a little walk in the woods.
Snow White Oh wow that would be beautiful.
Cedrick I know right.
Snow White Thank you Horace.
Horace Ya sure, no worries.
Cedrick Super, I’m sure you two are going to be great friends. Ta ra for now lovies.
Snow White Ok Cedrick, I’ll see you when I get back.
Cedrick Ya sure babes.
Exit Cedrick – The Widow drags Heidi down stage
Widow Listen Heidi, Horace has a job to do in the woods and we are going to follow him and make sure he does it, now come on let’s go.
Heidi As long as he keeps his clothes on! Ok. A big adventure, in the big scary woods. Yippee!
Exit The Widow and Heidi
Snow White Oh Horace I can’t thank you enough.
Horace Ya sure.
Snow White You can’t understand what my life has been like in that tower for the last ten years. But we are going to make up for that now. Finally my life can begin.
Horace Snow White!
Snow White Yes Horace?
Snow White Oh Horace this is the best day ever, my life up to now has been so boring.
Musical Number – “When will my life begin?”
As the song ends Snow White runs into the woods followed by Horace, followed by The Widow and Heidi. End of Scene 2.